The doctor says it out loud, Myasthenia Gravis.
A nightmare of a disease. Why’d you pick that one
off a lengthy list of differentials? Anything, puppies
or pillows, followed by Gravis is grave.
The only thing it has going for it is,
it would make a great band name.
Medical terminology lends itself
beautifully to the naming of things.
There is so little control of what gets immediately
filed in the permanent cabinets of the mind.
Now this hits the inbox with a clatter of crutches.
Flashbacks and bad dreams are made of this stuff.
Bolting upright in bed as if hit by lightning, met
only by the quiet dark. No comfort there. Cigarette
at 3 am, another at 4:30. Stop filing possibilities.
Don’t attach any maybes. Where is that shredder?
Poetry, like medicine, is imperfect,
as flawed as the body itself, as people
themselves. Biology has too many components
for the whole to be anywhere near intact.
Nature tries to work precisely. The Fibonacci
Sequence proves that. 1,1,2, 3, 5, 8, 13. 21…
Plants grow and flourish by subscribing to the math,
achieving pleasing design and maximum sun exposure
This is important. Because laws, those of nature or man-made,
are always broken. A glitch in the genome, harsh elements
or birds disrupt the seed head of a purple cone flower.
Perfection was only its potential. No one lives up to that.
1. The state of America’s mental health care system. No cash money? Then it’s the detox/schizophrenic ward for you. This is what your insurance will pay for. Sorry for all the screaming in the middle of the night. ;)
2. The choking enormity of Depakote pills. Seriously, have you seen the size of the new Bluetooths? And you can’t make the pills smaller?
3. The chaotic and repetitive nature of group therapy. After week one, you have heard all you are going to hear. Over and over and over.
4. Delaware County Professional Services and their policy of dropping any client deemed “in need of a higher level of care” without hooking them up with some kind of care. Any kind of care. Thanks for leaving me high and dry, assholes.
5. The tendency for psychiatrists to label everyone with “co-existing diagnoses.” This means you are a drug addict, even if you are not.
6. AA and the fact that since I smoked a joint three weeks ago I am stuck listening to their crap. Yeah, yeah, helps a lot of people, I get it. Know when I had my last drink? Me neither, so go fuck your higher power.
7. The fear that everyone will find out I have Bipolar I Disorder and PTSD. Need to get over that. It fucking is what it is.
8. Social Security for making people with crippling mental illnesses fill out about 100 pages of questions just so they can turn them down for disability. That totally makes sense. Way to go government!
9. My nightmares.
10. My inability to get through this without help.
“The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.”—The Portable Atheist by Christopher Hitchens
1. I need a new house: This one’s dirty. 2. I need a new copy of Silver Palate Cookbook: This one’s dirty. 3. I need a new job: This one’s dirty. 4. I need a new candidate: This one’s dirty. 5. I need a new mind: This one’s dirty.
1. Jeff Koons, always and forever. But especially now and especially for this.
2. All the things I miss now that I’m poor. And being poor.
3. The medical community who thinks it’s okay to perform surgery WITHOUT properly prepping the area (read: shave), then apply layers upon layers of of a variety adhesive tapes with the possibility of some kind of suture mixed with blood and lymph under the tape, which we are deathly afraid of removing. What is under there?
4. The ever-growing pile of documents that needs my completion and either mailing, faxing or hand delivering in order to make life just barely bearable.
5. Unemployment. In our state, some have suggested that the REAL numbers are around 20%. That means, whether on or off the grid, there’s a hoard of people competing with me for jobs. People, at least half of which are more desperate than I am and will take ANYTHING in exchange for dancing like a monkey.
I never said I “liked” Howard Stern. I SAID, I admire anyone who builds a multi-million dollar industry on acting like a 13-year-old without parents. Along with that distinction comes the oppressive task of living with yourself when you’ve made more than a living acting like a pubescent child. Unless, of course, and only his therapist can attest to this, he really IS a pubescent child inside an insanely ugly man body. Then I just feel sorry for him.
1. Sarah Palin, who may take the title of funniest American woman away from Lucille Ball. Any day now.
2. BBC America, for making more Gordon Ramsay spin-offs than I can possibly watch. God, I love it when he screams profanities at idiots.
3. The Eagles. And football.
4. States that have concealed gun carry permits. I never know who not to stand next to.
5. iPods, iPads, MacBooks, and everything else I can’t afford to own. Ohh, shiny.
6. Credit Scores, because hitting a rough patch could happen to anyone. And yet, I’m obsessed, checking mine twice a month and gambling on the bill-paying game to see if I win. I’d have better odds at the OTB.
7. Dog breeders. Stop it! Just stop it! It doesn’t make that much money anyway, so quit flooding the damn market with your inbred monsters and promote adoption.
8. Zynga because I haven’t been able to load Vampires in days.
9. Church. It’s just so BORING. And the music is so BAD. And there’s seldom cake afterwards anymore.
10. Scary movies, because my life is scary enough.